The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
I wasn’t really naked. I simply didn’t have any clothes on.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Death is hereditary.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.