12 Things You Don’t Know About Women

1. “Call us back right away. That ‘three day’ business does not apply. We’re getting older, and we don’t have time to screw around. Wait too long and we’ll lose interest. Trust me on this one.”

2. “We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It’s bad enough if you don’t have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it.”

3. “Some of us prefer boxing to yoga. None of us actually likes Pilates.”

4. “Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it’s a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.”

5. “When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you’re afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it’s always flattering when you hit on us. Always.”

6. “Supersecret: Unless we’re blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you.”

7. “We love the fact that it takes you only twelve minutes to get ready for anything, be it a black tie [event] or a basketball game. When it takes longer than that… what are you doing in there?”
“We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish.”

8. “Even if we’ve only been dating a few weeks, don’t introduce us as your lady friend– or that’s exactly what we’ll become.”

9. “If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble.”

10. “We need you to be reachable at all times, but we don’t always pick up our phones when you call. We realize this seems like a double standard; if you’d like to discuss it further, just leave a message.”

11. “We’re afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous. Besides, we’re not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models.”

12. “Our friends are not your enemies, and our enemies better not be your friends.”

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