Tag Archives: Humor

Learn Chinese In Five Miniutes

Feeling bored?  Moody?  Restless?… Come on here, I have something to make you laugh. Hopefully it does.

Learn Chinese In Five Miniutes….

That’s not right…
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?…
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP…
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man…
Dum Gai

Small Horse…
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?…
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table…
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift…
Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here…
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet…
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone…
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week…
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Advertisements

This is very ingenious and classic (MAGICAL Words)

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYE S:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

About Wives – humour

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong .

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”
I asked her, “Where’s the car?”
She replied, “In the lake.”

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: “You can have mine.”

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I’m half dead.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Vampire Jokes

Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count DuckulaQ: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank

Q: What does a baby bat say before going to bed?
A: Turn on the dark. I’m afraid of the light!

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.

Q: What’s the part of a restaurant where vampires don’t suck blood?
A: The non-Suckers section.

Q: What kind of ship does Dracula own
A: Blood vessel.

Q: Why doesn’t anyone like Count Dracula?
A: He’s a pain

in the neck.Q: What do you call Count Dracula’s cookout?
A: Vampire camfire.

Q: What does Dracula say when introduced to someone?
A: “Hello, pleased to eat you!”

Q: How do vampires drive around?
A: In their bloodmobiles.

Q: Why did Dracula go to jail?
A: Because he robbed the blood bank.

Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite feast?
A: Fangsgiving Day dinner.

Q: Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?
A: It was a stake sandwich.

Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A: A blood hound.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A neck-tarine.

Q: Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
A: Because he likes to draw blood!

Q: Whom did Dracula take out on a date?
A: His ghoul friend!

Q: What is the best way to talk to Count DraculA:
A: Long distance.

Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: Who is a vampire likey to fall in love with?
A: The girl necks door.

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.

Q: Was Dracula ever married?
A: No he’s a bat-chelor.

Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.

Q: What did the kid vampire say to his mommy at bedtime?
A: “Mommy, turn off the switch. I’m afraid of the light!”

Q: What is worst than a hungry vampire?
A: A thirsty vampire.

Q: What do you give a vampire with a cold?
A: Coffin Drops!

Q: What does a weight-conscious vampire drink?
A: Blood Light.

Q: What is the favorite test that vampires love to take?
A: A blood test.

Q: What did the teacher say to Dracula after he failed his math test?
A: Can’t you count Dracula!

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A neck-tarine.

Q: Why didn’t Dracula get married?
A: He never met a nice Ghoul!

Q: What is Count Dracula’s favourite snack?
A: .A fangfurter !

Q: What is red, sweet and bites people ?
A: A jampire !

Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula ?
A: A blood hound !

Q: What happened to the mad vampire ?
A: He went a little batty !

Q: What do vampires have at eleven o’clock every day ?
A: A coffin break !

Q: How does a vampire like his food served ?
A: In bite sized pieces !

Q: Where do vampires go on holiday ?
A: The Isle of Fright !

Q: Why did the vampire take up acting ?
A: It was in his blood !

Q: What’s a vampire’s favourite drink ?
A: A bloody mary !

Q: What’s a vampire’s favourite dance ?
A: The fangdango !

Q: Which vampire tried to eat James Bond ?
A: Ghouldfinger !

Q: What do vampires think of blood transfusions ?
A: Newfangled rubbish !

Q: What happened at the vampires race ?
A: It finished neck and neck !

Q: What happened at the vampires reunion ?
A: All the blood relations went !

Q: What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve ?
A: “Auld Fang Syne” !

Q: What is the American national day for vampires ?
A: Fangsgiving day !

Q: If you want to know more about Dracula what do you have to do ?
A: Join his fang club !

Q: Why are vampire families so close ?
A: Because blood is thicker than water !

Q: Why do vampires like school dinners?
A: Because they know they won’t get stake !

Q: How do you join the Dracula fan club ?
A: Send your name, address and blood group !

Q: What’s Dracula’s favourite coffee ?
A: Decoffinated !

Q: What does a vampire bath in ?
A: A bat tub !

Q: What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold ?
A: Coffin medicine !

Q: What does the postman deliver to vampires ?
A: Fang mail !

Q: What’s Dracula’s favourite soup ?
A: Scream of tomato !

Q: What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower ?
A: A bat mat !

Q: What’s a vampire’s favourite dance ?
A: The vaults !

Q: What do romantic vampires do ?
A: Neck !

Q: Why do vampires hate arguments ?
A: Because they make themselves cross !

Q: What does a vampire say to the mirror ?
A: Terror, terror on the wall… !

Q: What is a vampire’s favourite film character ?
A: Batman !

Q: Why do people hate being bitten by vampires ?
A: Because it’s a drain in the neck !

Q: If a snowman marries a vampire, what will they name their first
child?
A: Frostbite

Q: Why are vampires like false teeth?
A: They all come out at night.

Q: Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?
A: Sandals don’t look good with his tuxedo.

 

Confusing quotes

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes and from Finland Fines?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why is it that you drive on the parkway, and park on the driveway?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?

Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why do people say “The alarm just went off” when really it just came on?